Part 2

/A New Year Dawns for the World

Despite my very best intentions to ignore the secular turning of the year I find myself feeling that I am starting anew. The Church year begins a month earlier and it is full of anticipation as we look to celebrate the coming of the Christ Child. It may be, this feeling of new beginnings, be due more to recovering from illness than a fresh spiritual insight. Again I am beset by the game of second guessing everything. In seeking clarity I therefore muddle the waters considerably.

So what am I feeling? A call to silence. It is very attractive to sit and contemplate in a zen like tranquillity but part of me sees that this could be the very path that leads away from God. If I withdraw into silence how then do I reach out to others to try and draw them to the faith? 

So I see that silence can be a running away from  rather than a running to God. But it is in silence that God is always found. It is at times like these that I long for a wise spiritual Director who would by the grace of God lead me to see what is phantom thinking and what is of God.

The story of little Samuel has always resonated in my heart. To serve childlike in the house of God seems such a perfect goal, to be happy and safe in His presence. Again I question whether this is running away.

I suppose I could encourage myself. 

But I could as easily fool myself. I think I am good at that.

I live as far as possible in quiet isolation partly out of choice, mainly of necessity, if necessity then can it be a virtue?

Difficult also is the separation of realities. I think that needs to be expanded to allow the reader to understand that the various drugs used to treat my illnesses can also alter my perception of reality and perhaps that is why I question everything? Perhaps it is wisdom to test each footstep I take to make sure I land on solid ground. My own mental illness which can only be kept at bay also causes confusion and a blurring of reality, perception. This grave darkness and occasional paranoia leads in its very nature to a desire to flee from all contact with the world. To crouch in safety or perceived safety in the heart of God. I say perceived because I am merely human and open like the first of my kind (Adam) to being easily led astray by my own arrogance of thought and by the great evil that courts every soul with its slippery and eloquent speech.

No wonder I take every step so carefully. Edge forward in darkness, trusting only in the solidity of, and here the metaphors take wing and I am left so to speak with nothing.

If however, and this I do know, seek after the Lord with all my heart, He will reach out and even if I perceive it not He will hold me in safety.